like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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