Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
