just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Two words: nipple clamps
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