it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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