Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
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