My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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