she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
