I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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