im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
