Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
