He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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