There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
