Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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