I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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