did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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