How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
