Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
