'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
