we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
