he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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