I'm sorry my penis didn't work
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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