Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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