I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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