I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
