i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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