just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
