the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
