Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
