Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
where are my eyebrows?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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