Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
