I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
