I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
40s are totally the cure
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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