If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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