I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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