Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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