ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
