Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
