she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
