alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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