You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
vagina is talking i cant
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
