I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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