Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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