pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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