Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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