She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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