Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
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The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
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Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.