We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
