areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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