A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
