Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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