If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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