I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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