Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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