You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
