Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
