Define "chronic" masturbator.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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