well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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