somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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